Reading to cultivate empathy

Notes From the Reading Nook: October 3

Good morning.

I hope this finds you well, and I mean that — I hope that you are taking time to breathe, especially if things feel too busy even to do that. (In Al-Anon we say that the most important time to meditate is when you have no time at all to meditate, and even as I find that deeply annoying, I also find it to be, unfortunately, true.)

I hope that if you are gearing up to do something hard, logistically complex, unknown, unprecedented, or unwanted, you have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and that you don’t forget to look up once in awhile, at whatever’s around you or in front of you, with eyes attuned to beauty, or barring beauty, gratitude.

I hope that if you are coming back from something that hurt, took a lot out of you, asked too much of you, sent you reeling, or knocked you down, you are able to do something to ground yourself, something that brings you back to your tenacity and fortitude, something that reminds you of your mettle — because you have it, even when it feels like you don’t.

I hope that wherever you are today, in whatever condition, under whatever circumstances, you take the most gentle and exquisite care of yourself, and remember the things that no one can ever take away from you: your heart, your brain, your spirit, your scars (that you have earned, again and again, and which have made you a better person, even if the price you paid for them was high, high, high, and even if you are not completely healed — yet, or ever).

You’re not alone. Keep breathing. Keep going.

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• The Whatifs by Emily Kilgore

• Barn Dance! by Bill Martin, Jr. and John Archambault (it’s been awhile since we’ve read this one and I’d forgotten how hugely fun it is to read aloud, which I mentioned in my review of it in issue No. 4)

• Autumblings by Douglas Florian (this is our current poetry at breakfast)

• Ten Rules of the Birthday Wish by Beth Ferry

Speaking of birthdays: if you need a list of recommended titles for upcoming birthdays, I have a list on Bookshop.org just for that 🎂

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I originally published this on May 17, 2022. I have edited it and updated it here.

The cover of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba

In the book Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba, there’s an entire chapter devoted to using reading to cultivate empathy.

It should be said that there are valid counter-arguments to this idea — in a compelling essay in her book about the politics and ethics of reading, How to Read Now, titled “Reading Teaches Us Empathy and Other Fictions,” Elaine Castillo makes the case that instead of thinking of books as “empathy machines,” we need books (and authors) that accept responsibility and we, as readers, need to push the act of reading past empathy — and to be sure, she has a point.

For children, though, I think cultivating empathy is a worthy goal (among others), and even after revising this post a year and a half after I originally wrote it, I still cannot imagine a more timely moment to cultivate empathy. We need to cultivate empathy like we mean it. Now.

In “Empathetic Children Have a Moral Imagination,” Borba writes incredibly convincingly about using books and reading to foster exactly this. Since you’re subscribed to (and reading) a newsletter about children’s books and how to build a culture of reading in your home, I probably don’t have to convince you that this is a viable — not to mention cheap and easy — means to this end.

But you may be wondering, as I once did, exactly how one goes about this.

Borba’s book is jammed with practical advice, and she doesn’t disappoint in this area. (I’ve paraphrased the following in many places but the meat of the information is the author’s and should be taken as such.)

There are dozens of ways for kids to learn to read with feeling to increase moral imagination. Here is the one practice that will help children step vicariously into someone else’s place and see the world from another perspective. The strategy has three steps, so choose which is most appropriate to your child’s current ability until they can use the technique without your reminders: (page 83)

Step 1: Pose “What If? Questions

• “What if you were that character?”

• “If you were the character, would you have made the same choice?”

• “If that were you, what would you do next?”

• “If that were you, what advice would you give?”

• “If you were a fortune-teller, what do you think [character] is going to do now?”

This works best when you pause in a key place or two (not too many, or this technique gets old fast!)

Step 2: Ask “How Would You Feel?” Questions

• “Have you ever had the same experience?”

• “Look at the character’s face… how do you think she feels? Have you ever felt like that?”

• “What’s happening to [character?] What do you think is going through her mind? Have you ever had the same thoughts?”

Step 3: Switch the Focus from “Me” to “You”

• “Pretend you’re the character. How do you think she feels right now? What does she need to feel better?”

• “Be a mind reader… what do you think he’s thinking?”

• “Imagine you are that person. How does she feel about being [homeless, unhappy, bullied, ignored]?”

Using these three types of questions helps children step into another’s shoes, think about the characters from their own perspective and the character’s, reflect on similar feelings or experiences, and increase their ability to role-switch and stretch their empathy.

(I’ve previously written about how I discuss things with my children while reading — not exclusively related to empathy; Borba’s questions have helped me expand my repertoire.)

Borba also explains why getting kids to read is such a struggle:

1. Screens are ubiquitous

2. Kids are overscheduled

3. Reading on a digital screen reduces reading pleasure

What can we do about this? We can give our children time: unplugged time away from devices, unstructured time without outside commitments, time to read physical books, on paper.

She wraps things up by writing,

“Books stir our emotions, spark our curiosity, create lasting memories, and become portals to other worlds. In some cases, a book can whip our conscience, shift our perspective, or activate our feelings so we stand up and change the world for the better. The right book can stir a child’s empathy better than any lesson or lecture ever could. And the right book matched with the right child can be the gateway to opening his heart to humanity. Raising a generation that would rather text than read, we have our work cut out, for as reading declines, so too will one of the proven tools to expand our children’s capacity to imagine another’s feelings and needs, as well as reap the Empathy Advantage and thrive.”

Let’s help the children in our lives access those portals to other worlds by doing what we can to remove the obstacles in their way. Set limits on screen time, say no to another extracurricular activity, buy real books or check them out of the library and make them readily available. (And please, please don’t stop reading aloud, even after they are able to read on their own!)

It’s hard, but then: most worthy things are.

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Read good books and take good care 😘
Sarah

P.S. All Bookshop.org affiliate links are affiliate ones — and even though the commission is small, you win, independent bookstores win, I win, and what’s not to love about that?